Mother’s Day in years past has looked a lot different than I dreamed it would. It carried heartache instead of joy, sadness instead of celebration, and more grief than I could have ever imagined. Perhaps you’re here because you can’t help but dread that day rolling around each year. Maybe you’ve lost a mother or a grandmother. Maybe you’re a mother who has outlived her child due to a tragedy. It could be that you’ve never had a relationship with your mother and May is just a painful reminder of her absence. Maybe you so desperately want to be a mother, but your arms sit empty. All the while social media serves an endless stream of pregnancy announcements. Or maybe, like me, you’ve lost a baby through miscarriage.
Mother’s Day is bittersweet… and that’s okay
Mother’s Day 2018 was the day we planned on sharing with friends and family that I was pregnant with our first precious baby. But instead, it ended up being a day of complete heartbreak, as just days earlier we had found out her heart had stopped beating.
Mother’s Day 2019 was a day I spent praying over our baby girl as she was growing inside of me. I wondered if I would ever get to snuggle this long-awaited baby. Would I ever hear her say “mama” or be able to teach her about Jesus?
Mother’s Day 2020 was a day I spent being showered with love and baby kisses. I listened to sweet tiny giggles that were music to my ears. Seeing the Lord redeem Mother’s Day in my heart was a blessing I never thought I would experience. However, sadness and heartbreak still remain. But more than anything, I have empathy for those who are walking a similar path.
Mother’s Day the past few years have been spent wiping sticky fingers, smooching squishy cheeks, and going to the bathroom with at least one toddler in tow. The season we are in with littles isn’t necessarily easy, but I can’t help but marvel at God’s abundant grace. He has absolutely lavished grace upon us in giving us these children. Yet, I still tearfully remember the pain of the years before this was so.
Our journey through a missed miscarriage is a story for another time, but if you are struggling through losing a precious babe, I pray you remember this truth – God knows your name, your heartache, and your need.
Encouragement for the weary heart
So many times people want to help. And while support is so encouraging in most instances, in others it feels painful. Like you’re hearing all the things that put salt in your very fresh wounds. The comfort we receive from others is a blessing, but we don’t rely on that to sustain us. God alone is our refuge and strength. His word is something we can go to over and over. His word never returns void. I pray that you find comfort in these passages.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. [Matthew 5:4 ESV*]
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. [Psalm 147:3]
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. [Matthew 11:28-30]
For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy. He has not turned his back on them, but has listened to their cries for help. [Psalm 22:34 NLT]
After losing our first baby I read through Job and the Psalms day in and day out. Both David and Job’s laments to the Lord gave words to the anguish I was feeling in my heart. Maybe, like me, you’re having trouble putting words to your pain. But praise God – we don’t have to have the words. The Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf.
Romans 8:26-28 reminds us, “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
Moving forward, not moving on
Although experiences differ, here are a few other things that benefited me or others I have spoken with who have had a miscarriage. I pray they will serve as an encouragement to you, too.
∙Journal Prayers
∙Speak with a godly friend or family member
∙Read Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt
∙Schedule a getaway, no matter how small, on your baby’s due date
∙Name your baby if you didn’t yet have the opportunity
∙Read Job + Psalms
∙Reflect on/memorize specific passages of Scripture.
I have created a printable resource that helped me as I grieved and processed the loss of our first baby. It includes lies I was believing about my pain and scripture that instead grounded me in truth. God’s word is living and active. It keeps us standing on solid rock when it feels like the sand is ceaselessly shifting.
If today is bittersweet for you today too, or just bitter – that’s okay. Please know that you are not forgotten. I am praying that the Lord would redeem this day for you too. It might take some time, but we can trust that He always does everything for our good and His glory. We may feel pain and sorrow and hurt, but “joy comes in the morning.” [Psalm 30:1-5]
*All Scripture verses are taken from the ESV unless otherwise noted.